I jump from chair to chair... Is anybody listening?

OK... I was taking a bath in the hotel the other day and I washed my hands. I like really scrubbed them with this anti aging moisture and beads crap I bought. And Then I did other bath type things then I washed them again. I spent most of my bath washing my hands. Later I put lotion on for way too long. I realized I really like rubbing my hands together. Like OCD joy in it. I do it when I'm bored now. But I know I'm doing it as much as I know I like it.

I don't write these things to get attention. I write them... I guess to get it out. I also want to show in an abstract way that I am real. That this is hard. That we are just people. I love my husband, he's a wonderful guy, but he's not perfect. He isn't the sly sexy guy in the videos. He is just normal. Everyone is normal. There is absolutely nobody out there who is awesome. This is why people should never meet their idols. That will just knock them down and show you that they suck as much as you do.  I remember reading a Francesca Lia Block story about two girls who meet their all time rock star god idol just to see that he was sort of a mess and not a sex god that they thought he was. I forget the details, but he was probably an insecure drug addict who had people to take care of him. Same thing happened in Diary of a teenage drama Queen.  Don't even fucking lie and say you don't watch Lilo movies too.

When I fantasize about how I should be I think that I would always do my hair and wear makeup and look perfect. I'd have awesome clothes and all the girls would want to be me. But I am alive in the here and now, and I am not wearing make up and I rarely dress up. I am not the rock goddess that I was spoon fed in the media of my youth. I am a wife and a friend. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential most of the time. I spend my life on  sea saw of knowing that I'm living the dream as well as knowing that I'm unhappy in it.

Me and Cinderella

I am sick, and on top of that the Russians have invaded the boathouse if you catch my drift... The first time that happened on this tour it was awkward. I'm the only girl. I have no privacy, not to mention I feel like crap. X and I hadn't been married that long and I wasn't sure how he'd react. Not to mention the bus bathroom... totally awkward. So all I want to do is sleep and eat and be over emotional. I feel gross and cranky and unaccomplished. I'm mean to X because I don't see how he could be attracted to me. It's retarded girl stuff I know, but we all do it. I hate this time of month and I hate being sick. I hate living in public. I hate how many public bathrooms I use. I hate how lazy the hotel maids must be. I hate that I can't curl up in a warm fuzzy bubble and be happy. I wouldn't want a bubble, scratch that. I'd want a happy medium. I'd want what everyone else wants, but I want more.... just not this.

I need to make a thanks list because I'm being a whiny bitch.
1. I am thankful my husband didn't marry me and leave me at home.
2. I am thankful that we are fortunate enough to have a bus. I know many bands who have fans and albums out and shirts at hottopic but still rock the white van and trailer.
3. I am thankful to be experiencing something that very few get to.
4. I am thankful that my husband is respectful and kind to me.
5. I am thankful that I am cared for, physically, emotionally, and economically.
6. I am thankful I am not a lactard ( lactose intolerant.)
7. I am thankful that I am only half homeless.
8. I am thankful that I do not have to sell my body or my soul.
9. I am thankful for my computer.
10. I am thankful for dove dark chocolate.

Foo Fighters - Long Road To Ruin

Humming and strumming all over God's world.

I do silly things sometimes. Like I somehow started reading groupie stories tonight... but didn't find any on my husband's band so I googled them... My heart was beating out of my chest and my stomach was sick with anticipation. It's like when you look at your ex's fb and you don't want him but you also don't want to see he has moved on. You know the basic why am I doing this to myself feeling.- I was pleased with what I found, which was pretty much nothing. One person called them out as liars in their interviews- duh. No hoes and blow here. And another said they could be wild but in general are sweet boys. Also very true.
I'm not sure how I feel about the sites where the groupies rate the rock stars. It leaves me irritated even though I see it as a two way street.  It's almost as if I feel that it violates them (as in the musician) and how nothing in their life is personal from what they do in bed to how big their junk is. When I worked backstage I never talked about the guest. I didn't want to be that person. I never liked people who bragged about who they know or what they'd seen. I felt privileged to be there and respected them. I know your saying that I'm not respecting it now, but you don't know me from Adam nor will you ever. And maybe more groupies should pay heed since I , though never a groupie, ended up a Mrs.

wiki on groupies - This makes it out as if I could be one, after all I do  "seeks emotional and sexual intimacy with a musician." and I do travel with them. I guess if he hadn't put a ring on it I would totally be one. Hahaha.

Alice Cooper - From The Inside (Live)

My jam for the day...

From The Inside

[Alice Cooper / Bernie Taupin / Dick Wagner / David Foster]

I got lost on the road somewhere
Was it Texas or was it Canada
Drinking whiskey in the morning light
I work the stage all night long
At first we laughed about it
My long haired drunken friends
Proposed a toast to Jimmy's ghost
I never dreamed that I would wind up on the losing end

I'm stuck here on the inside looking out
I'm just another case
Where's my makeup where's my face on the inside

All got your kicks from what you saw up there
Eight bucks even buys a folding chair
I was downing seagrams on another flight
And I worked that stage all night long
You were screaming for the villain up there
And I was much obliged
The old road sure screwed me good this time
It's hard to see where the vicious circle ends

I'm stuck here on the inside looking out
That's no big disgrace
Where's my makeup where's my face on the inside

“When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.”

—	Otto von Bismarck