Today I was putting lotion my my feet and legs and as I did so, I started to think. My job as X's wife is only to look pretty. That is pretty much all that is expected of me. The thing is I don't deliver. Not only am I not a strikingly beautiful girl, but I also don't care or try very hard. I've written before about how I don't even get dressed some days. What's the point? I'm not going to be on stage. All I'm going to be is on a bus, in a dressing room/ green room/ backstage area/ possibly not leaving the bus/ hotel ect. It's like a strange video game where you can't break out of the walls. I don't have to see anyone if I don't want to.
The thing that is infuriating/ perplexing is that X loves me. He could have any girl. Well, not any, but plenty of them or one that is much more conventionally pretty than I am. But he doesn't. Not only did he marry me, but he took me on tour with him. I guess sometimes there is something to be said about love. I couldn't outright tell you what it is that keeps X and I together. I couldn't outright tell you what it is that makes this work. I can write 100s of post about how trapped and unhappy I am.
The other day I woke up and stumbled into a store in the early evening hours. It's times like those that I enjoy this. The feeling that I'm on tour, and nobody else here knows what that's like.