Saturday, November 27, 2010

I jump from chair to chair... Is anybody listening?

OK... I was taking a bath in the hotel the other day and I washed my hands. I like really scrubbed them with this anti aging moisture and beads crap I bought. And Then I did other bath type things then I washed them again. I spent most of my bath washing my hands. Later I put lotion on for way too long. I realized I really like rubbing my hands together. Like OCD joy in it. I do it when I'm bored now. But I know I'm doing it as much as I know I like it.

I don't write these things to get attention. I write them... I guess to get it out. I also want to show in an abstract way that I am real. That this is hard. That we are just people. I love my husband, he's a wonderful guy, but he's not perfect. He isn't the sly sexy guy in the videos. He is just normal. Everyone is normal. There is absolutely nobody out there who is awesome. This is why people should never meet their idols. That will just knock them down and show you that they suck as much as you do.  I remember reading a Francesca Lia Block story about two girls who meet their all time rock star god idol just to see that he was sort of a mess and not a sex god that they thought he was. I forget the details, but he was probably an insecure drug addict who had people to take care of him. Same thing happened in Diary of a teenage drama Queen.  Don't even fucking lie and say you don't watch Lilo movies too.

When I fantasize about how I should be I think that I would always do my hair and wear makeup and look perfect. I'd have awesome clothes and all the girls would want to be me. But I am alive in the here and now, and I am not wearing make up and I rarely dress up. I am not the rock goddess that I was spoon fed in the media of my youth. I am a wife and a friend. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential most of the time. I spend my life on  sea saw of knowing that I'm living the dream as well as knowing that I'm unhappy in it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Me and Cinderella

I am sick, and on top of that the Russians have invaded the boathouse if you catch my drift... The first time that happened on this tour it was awkward. I'm the only girl. I have no privacy, not to mention I feel like crap. X and I hadn't been married that long and I wasn't sure how he'd react. Not to mention the bus bathroom... totally awkward. So all I want to do is sleep and eat and be over emotional. I feel gross and cranky and unaccomplished. I'm mean to X because I don't see how he could be attracted to me. It's retarded girl stuff I know, but we all do it. I hate this time of month and I hate being sick. I hate living in public. I hate how many public bathrooms I use. I hate how lazy the hotel maids must be. I hate that I can't curl up in a warm fuzzy bubble and be happy. I wouldn't want a bubble, scratch that. I'd want a happy medium. I'd want what everyone else wants, but I want more.... just not this.

I need to make a thanks list because I'm being a whiny bitch.
1. I am thankful my husband didn't marry me and leave me at home.
2. I am thankful that we are fortunate enough to have a bus. I know many bands who have fans and albums out and shirts at hottopic but still rock the white van and trailer.
3. I am thankful to be experiencing something that very few get to.
4. I am thankful that my husband is respectful and kind to me.
5. I am thankful that I am cared for, physically, emotionally, and economically.
6. I am thankful I am not a lactard ( lactose intolerant.)
7. I am thankful that I am only half homeless.
8. I am thankful that I do not have to sell my body or my soul.
9. I am thankful for my computer.
10. I am thankful for dove dark chocolate.