OK... I was taking a bath in the hotel the other day and I washed my hands. I like really scrubbed them with this anti aging moisture and beads crap I bought. And Then I did other bath type things then I washed them again. I spent most of my bath washing my hands. Later I put lotion on for way too long. I realized I really like rubbing my hands together. Like OCD joy in it. I do it when I'm bored now. But I know I'm doing it as much as I know I like it.
I don't write these things to get attention. I write them... I guess to get it out. I also want to show in an abstract way that I am real. That this is hard. That we are just people. I love my husband, he's a wonderful guy, but he's not perfect. He isn't the sly sexy guy in the videos. He is just normal. Everyone is normal. There is absolutely nobody out there who is awesome. This is why people should never meet their idols. That will just knock them down and show you that they suck as much as you do. I remember reading a Francesca Lia Block story about two girls who meet their all time rock star god idol just to see that he was sort of a mess and not a sex god that they thought he was. I forget the details, but he was probably an insecure drug addict who had people to take care of him. Same thing happened in Diary of a teenage drama Queen. Don't even fucking lie and say you don't watch Lilo movies too.
When I fantasize about how I should be I think that I would always do my hair and wear makeup and look perfect. I'd have awesome clothes and all the girls would want to be me. But I am alive in the here and now, and I am not wearing make up and I rarely dress up. I am not the rock goddess that I was spoon fed in the media of my youth. I am a wife and a friend. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential most of the time. I spend my life on sea saw of knowing that I'm living the dream as well as knowing that I'm unhappy in it.
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